(Cartoon by Ed Wexler / caglecartoons.com)
Now that my eldest and middle daughters are in college, wiping out my retirement prospects, and my youngest daughter has begun to deal with the challenges of puberty in high school, I can turn to bigger questions, namely the pants.
Yes, we’ve reached the time of year when, to the relief of my friends and family, I’m back to wearing pants on a semi-regular basis.
And since I hadn’t updated my professional wardrobe since the second Bush AdministrationI recently decided to throw caution (and several pairs of worn pleated pants with stretchy waistband) to the wind and start over.
Unfortunately for a guy who regularly loses the daddy-bod battle, apparently every menswear designer now feels compelled to trigger me by announcing that their clothes are “fitted.” I haven’t squeezed my girth into anything described as “thin” since I was 5 with a Kool Aid mustache and wearing Toughskins jeans from sear.
Luckily for me, when I was scrolling Facebook looking through back-to-school photos of teenagers wishing their parents would leave them alone, I came across a well-placed ad for men’s pants that seemed to read my mind (or detect my search history after spending an hour at googling, “pants that will make me look cooler than I am”).
These pants hilariously promise to be “tight” (whatever that means) and offer plenty of “breathing room” for other areas thanks to a “diamond shaped gusset”. They also claim to repel stains, stretch without bagging with “new-age fabric,” somehow keep me stink-free with drying technology, and most importantly, boost my confidence. (Did I mention butt molding?)
“So what is this black magic?” I was wondering. “Are these pants real, or is this another disappointing marketing ploy for a second-rate product, like sea monkeys. (I mean, the women don’t even wear lipstick like in the picture.)”
Determined to quell my skepticism, I took one of my beleaguered credit cards and ordered a pair. They weren’t cheap, but how could I pass up the opportunity for what the ad called a “cheeky upgrade” to my wardrobe that would also “prevent the bloat”?
I’m happy to say the pants fit perfectly and looked decent so I ordered three more pairs. I can’t vouch for the upgrades to my caboose since I can’t see over there, but I think it couldn’t be worse.
Rounding out the ensemble, I found summer clearance stretch button-up shirts that are meant to be worn untucked and are described by the designer as “timeless and stylish – for the modern man.” Modern man is not named, but I guess he spends a lot less time eating chips and salsa than I do.
What I like the most about these shirts, other than their heavily discounted price, is that the tighter sleeves provide the illusion of real muscles, and the body of the shirt hides the fact that my midsection looks like a pear Bartlett deformed.
On my first day back at work after our summer vacation, my sweet wife told me that I looked “good”, which is probably her way of saying that I don’t look so much like a inflated thrift store mannequin. My youngest daughter just peeked over her glasses suspiciously and remained silent – thankfully.
I have to admit that my new wardrobe made me feel better physically and emotionally. And if you ever find yourself walking behind me, I apologize in advance for any distraction caused by the “butt molding.”
— Jase Graves is an award-winning comedy columnist whose columns have been featured in Texas Getaways magazine, Shreveport time in Louisiana, and the Kilgore News Herald and Longview News-Journal in Texas. Contact him at [email protected] Where connect with him on facebook. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are his own.
