You’re invited to the wedding I planned in college


Dear classmate,

You are cordially invited to my upcoming nuptials with my super hot boyfriend who goes to school with my cousin in Canada.

Place: The shopping center.

Transport: Our moms can drive everyone to the event if your moms can pick you up.

Accommodation: Your options include half of a twin bed or a sleeping bag on the floor. Each room is equipped with a Tamagotchi for entertainment, a lava lamp/nightlight, and you’ll find a Flintstones vitamin gummy on your pillow upon arrival. There will be babysitters on hand for your Tamagotchi during the services.

Food: Please let us know when you RSVP if you prefer the vegetarian option (square cheese pizza) or the chicken option (dino nugs). We’ll have Cool Ranch Doritos, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and all the other name brand chips that come in the loudest bags possible.

Drink: There will be an open bar with all your favorites, such as Crystal Light (Strawberry Lemonade, obviously), the regular Kool-Aid and Kool-Aid Bursts, and Snapple, so you can click the top to the beat of the music all All night long. Before the toasts, the waiters will distribute Capri Sun in champagne flutes.

Recommended outfit: A shiny ruched bodycon dress or two layered polo shirts (collars down, as this is a semi-formal affair). If you’re cold, you can add a zip-up sweatshirt from Hot Topic with Edward Cullen’s face on the back, or you can shiver dramatically and hope Johnny S. picks up the cue to lend you his suit jacket. of bar mitzvah. Ugg boots are optional but recommended. Heelys are obviously encouraged, but please be mindful of space and other guests as you walk around. If you’re sweating, we’ll have Victoria’s Secret Love Spell and Ax Body Spray (in Musk and Spice) available to guests. Unless you are not bringing a gift, in which case you will be offered Moonlight Path by Bath & Body Works.

Toast: Jake P. will be speaking at our wedding because he’s the funniest kid in our science class and didn’t make one, but of them, mourned substitute teachers last year. He promised to regale us with stories of almost touching a boob last summer at camp and will perform the entire second act of “Step Brothers.”

Music: If any of the songs you want to listen to require Youtube2MP3 conversion, please let the DJ know in advance.

Dancing: Remember proper grind line etiquette – you need to be fully pressed against the person in front of you and spinning to the beat. If you can’t keep up, gently wait for a slow dance and be sure to maintain a foot of space between you and your dance partner.

First dance song: “I Wanna Love You (Clean Version)” by Akon.

Marriage: As you can see on our mutual MySpace (, our wedding party is also super hot. Congratulations to our eternal top eight! Je t’aime, :::Punk Egg:::, Taken by MT on 7/1, RaWr MeAnS i Love You in hErBiVoRe, Cereal K!LLER, ♥ Sexy (Left Full)Back ♥, The Used Is My World, xTRAVISxTRAVESTYx, 8==BILLY and Avril Lavigne. I know you probably won’t be reading this, but you’re invited, April!!!

Bachelorette Party: If you want to join the party, you can meet us next Saturday at 7 o’clock sharp. PM at the Night Club on Club Penguin for hours of debauchery. We’ll be done at 9 a.m. PM because that’s when my computer time is up.

Photography: My mother will walk around, taking pictures of the evening. She’s unable to take a good picture of me to save her life, so I’ll run away from her.

Social Media: Please define your GOAL status to “@ the best wedding of my LIFE!!!” If you take photos of the event on your RAZR phones, please text them to us. And remember that in each group photo, at least one person must have their eyes closed and half the group must be looking at the wrong camera.

Registration: We are listed with Aéropostale, Wet Seal, Barnes & Noble, Delia’s, Forever 21, rue21, RadioShack and Starbucks. Please don’t give us Kohl’s Cash, because our moms have enough already.

RSVP: please let us know as quickly as possible by calling one of our moms.


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